Well, I just got back from the cinema. Time to delve into this shit sandwich while it's still fresh in my head.
Seriously though, I'll give credit where credit is due first, because it'll probably take less time to say positive stuff about the movie. Ben Affleck provides a solid performance as Bruce Wayne. As Batman it's... eh, it's decent, but damn it, that fucking voice modulator makes hims sound so, so dumb at points. It's nowhere near as bad a Christian Bale's throat cancer growling, and I appreciate that they at least give a decent reason for his voice to sound so drastically different by having it be a voice modulator in the suit, but that doesn't make the voice any less shit. It's even unintentionally comical in some dramatic spots (A specific instance of him screaming "NOOOOOO!" springs to mind).
Laurence Fishburne is also one of the movie's genuine strong points in his role as Perry White, editor-in-chief of The Daily Planet. One of the main things critics seem to take issue with in this movie is that it's humorless, but to be perfectly honest, for all the grimdark crap that was going on, there were some moments in there that were clearly intended to be funny and got laughs from the packed house I was part of tonight, the vast majority of them coming from Fishburne. Coming in close second in that regard was Jeremy Irons as Alfred with some wonderfully snide asides while aiding Bruce. These moments are fairly dry in their delivery as opposed to standing out like goofy quips from the movies of the MCU, and they aren't particularly quotable, but they work well enough and it could well be that the reason they work to the extent that they do is that the movie is so damn serious of itself that you find yourself caught off guard when they happen.
Now, here's the thing. I don't particularly mind a superhero movie taking a serious approach. I also don't mind superhero movies being purely silly fun. I appreciate when a good balancing act is pulled off in which both of these elements are showcased in such a way that feels natural as opposed to trying to have a little bit of everything in order to please everybody and ultimately fall flat due to coming off like it doesn't know what it wants to be. "Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice" has these unexpected little comedic asides without feeling like they're being shoehorned in, and it certainly has a shitload of drama that actually has some promise in premise, but in practice manages to feel like a fucking slog over the span of 2 and a half hours to get to anything even remotely interesting, and that's including some downright bizarre dream sequences lumped in on top of an already weak story that just barely clings to coherency in places. There's also one scene that I'm unsure of on whether or not it was supposed to be funny, disturbing or both, because it leads to a dramatic moment, but it's also really stupid. Suffice it to say, it's a moment that already seems to be somewhat infamous involving a jar of piss.
The entire build-up of the Bruce/Clark rivalry just didn't interest me. It was to the point where I didn't really find myself siding with anyone because I simply couldn't bring myself to care. In a "Vs." movie that's somewhat of an issue to say the least. I actually like the idea of exploring the whole religious reaction of humans aspect of Superman's existence because it's fairly obvious territory to cover. They don't do much with it though and any point that they try to make with regards viewing him as either a Devil or a Christ figure felt like it got muddied up in the insane ramblings of Lex... and now we come to the downright worst thing in the movie.
Jesse Eisenberg was fucking atrocious as Lex Luthor. I don't know how else to put that. Everything he did was just insufferably bad. It was like watching him play that socially awkward type that we automatically associate the likes of himself and Michael Cera with but with the timidness removed so that he just acted like some creepy, awkward lunatic. If this had been a non-established character in a different movie, it might not have been as bad, but as Lex Luthor? It was awful.
Visually the movie has a lot of great stuff going for it, particularly during the final battle, which is just a major treat from start to finish in an otherwise boring movie. Amazingly the actual fight between Batman and Superman is a total letdown in terms of pacing and action. Both battle sequences have some fairly predictable elements, mostly due to the fact that everyone and their grandmother knows that one special thing that allows people to have a chance at going toe to toe with Superman, but at the very least the battle that takes place closer to the end of the movie has a ton of great visual stuff going for it in addition to significantly better pacing than the first one.
The following section is getting a spoiler tag, as it concerns the ending. Nothing specific is said, but I feel as though what I'm talking about could be easily guessed.
On the note of predictability, the ending, which I will go into no specific detail on for spoiler reasons... holy shit they milked it for all it was worth and then some. I was sitting there thinking to myself "Okay, okay we get it, you can do the thing now", but then they kept going... and going... and going, and the whole time I'm thinking "Seriously, just do the fucking thing! Nobody other than the little kids in this audience are falling for this shit. At this point you're just trying to psych us out and I'm not taking the bait!".
The following section is getting a spoiler tag, but only beware if you give a shit about Justice League teases.
As for any Justice League stuff (Y'know, that thing everyone was saying looked like it was gonna be a detriment to this movie because they'd try and cram too much into it), there's really nothing to worry about in that regard. Wonder Woman aside (Who was pretty fucking awesome once she actually appeared as Wonder Woman), our introduction to other characters (Flash, Cyborg and an amazingly bad ass looking Aquaman) is super brief and more or less feels like one of those Marvel post-credit teaser scenes jammed into the middle of the movie for no real reason other than to be like "Oh yeah, and these people exist".
And... I guess that's really all there is to talk about. I went into this thing with practically zero hype and my expectations set to the lowest possible point thanks to a combination of not caring much in the first place and of course that 30% RT rating, and still, in spite of the movie undoubtedly having some strong elements that I liked, it certainly wasn't enough to save the overall product from being the amazingly underwhelming end result that it was.
If I had to give this movie a ranking out of 5, it'd probably be 1.5/5. Whatever positives are to be found in this movie, they certainly aren't enough to make me wanna watch it again.
