quote home movies

patrick

forever yours
Joined
Oct 5, 2009
Messages
21
Location
new jersey
Hey, ladies, uh, my name is John McGuirk. I, uh, am a professional soccer coach at the elementary school level and I own a nice car though I do not currently have legal access to it. Um, as you can see, I used to be in good shape and, uh, in the last two years I’ve successfully completed four out of five rehab programs. The kind of woman I’m interested in is the one, I guess, who’s still watching this video.
 
technically my worst nightmare to date is, im sitting in a high chair, and im breastfeeding my own mother, and she suddenly opens her mouth and i see my father's head...
 
Melissa: (reading McGuirk’s date ad) Handsome, sophisticated, man. Enjoys fine wine and lots of it…
McGuirk: Yeah, I love that.
Melissa: (continue reading) Seeks beautiful woman for long walks.
(stops reading)That’s really sweet, Coach McGuirk.
McGuirk: I changed it from enjoys alcohol.
Melissa: It sounds nicer.
McGuirk: I have to boil down my whole personality in one huge lie.
Melissa: You did a good job.
McGuirk: Well, thanks.
 
-for the record paula, i have never talked to you before in my life. you dealt with my father
-oh, i didnt know he had a son!
-yeah, he didnt tell a lot of people
 
nobody's staring at me, people are staring at you and your stupid rich-bitch dress
 
1 plus 2 equals mcguirk, 2 plus 4 equals she's hot, 6 minus 4 equals mcguirk's happy
 
"Does the name JOEL SCHUMACHER mean anything to any of you?! Does the movie BATMAN AND ROBIN ring a bell? I WAS THERE!! ON THE SET!!"
"Really? You worked on that?"
"THREE MONTHS OF MY LIFE!!"
"Did you direct it?"
"CRAFT SERVICES!"
"Did you get to talk to Joel Schumacher?"
"YES!! I fed him! Everyday! Boiled potatoes, no butter, a health nut! I WAS THERE!!! WERE YOU THERE?!!"
"No."
 
this is one of my favorite quotes even though it's more poignant than funny

Brendon: Don't get into show business, Josie. Don't spend your life being dragged down by projects that you lose interest in and have to sneak away from.

Jason & Melissa: [searching for Brendon] Brendon!

Brendon: Where's my childhood gone, Josie?
 
Coach McGuirk: hey.

met a girl.

she's great.

the only flaw, she hates the simpsons.

i know it shouldn't matter but the simpsons are a huge part of my life.

i go to bed watching it.

whaddya think?
 
melissa: is he alive?
jason: yes. hey, go in the trunk hot stuff, and go get daddy the bat.
melissa: sure thing.
jason: we'll finish him off.
 
the best home movies quotes are ones which make no sense written down to someone who hasnt seen it, such as

-hey, what the hell's this, you're reading a magazine?
-yeah, i like magazines

or

"so what do you do? a stripper, wow. god i'm drunk"
 
"we could exchange murders, like criss cross"
"what are you talking about, criss cross"
"i'm talking about christopher cross"
"i love that saga!"
"arthur! sailing!"
"did he do arthur also?"
 
- Kids gather 'round. Who wants to play dice? Melissa, you have money on you?
- I have two dollars.
- Put it on the table.
- How do you win?
- You know what dice are, right?
- Yeah, but I don't know how you play dice?
- Well you roll them. I'll tell you when you win or I'll tell you when you lose.
- OK
- All right, two bucks. One's mine and one's yours.
- But they're both really mine.
- All right, roll the dice...Four you lose.
- Oh. I'm all out of money.
 
Mr Lynch: The question was "Who wrote Hamlet?" You wrote "The Pope's cousin, Count Pope-ula, a magical monster with pencils for arms".
Brendon: I'll be honest, Mr. Lynch. I made that one up.
 
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