Came off antidepressants because they were actually WRECKING my degree. I have been mostly stable, but now am sat here crying because the antipsychotic, which has actually been effective, which I've been on for over a year, has made it literally impossible to lose weight. I am engaging in borderline anorexic behaviour. I last did this before I was put on any meds, and lost so much weight. The same exact actions now do nothing but firm up my lower legs; I feel like a fucking whale and I'm stuck with a choice between destroying my future so I can be physically healthy (this drug actually causes diabetes, among other things), or staying on it and having health consequences that I may regret for life. I didn't realise it was this bad until now, and I was willing to believe I was a lazy cunt and deluded and actually not making enough effort to be healthy, but no, it doesn't matter what I do, if anything I gain. And then I feel like a piece of shit because some people are at this level of disadvantage naturally, but um, so am I, because I have mental health problems requiring medication which means I can be simultaneously riddled with an eating disorder (starving, not binging) and be the size of a tank. I feel like whatever I choose to do it will be made out to be my fault by the sickos in power at the moment. Stay off drugs and be unemployable? My fault because I was offered "help" and "chose" life on the dole. Stay on drugs and be huge? My fault because of course "no one" stays obese if they eat less and move more. I'm sorry, that's utter bullshit. I'm scared, very scared. I'm obviously hardly stable as it is and now all I can think about is I don't want to die of being obese when I hardly ever let myself eat anything I enjoy, and wouldn't I be "happier" if I was drug-free and thin? Except mental illness doesn't work that way. I'm just trying to stay out of the hospital because I don't want to hurt the NHS any more than I already am by claiming free medication. Maybe I really should stop. Like, if I had to pay for it I just straight up fucking wouldn't, so that's the right thing to do, isn't it? They want me dead. The thought that anyone has it worse, which I'm convinced actually almost everyone else in my income bracket does, makes me want to kill myself. Genuinely. But I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm staying alive so I can vote, because FUCK YOU.