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On this page you can listen to fifty classic quotes from The Simpsons. All audio clips are arranged in alphabetical order by character. Enjoy!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
Apu: "Yes, I'm sorry, I do not speak English, okay."
Woman: "But you were just talking to..."
Apu: "Yes, yes. Hot dog, hot dog. Yes sir, no sir. Maybe, okay."
Bart Simpson
"I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows."
"Overload.... pleasure overload!"
Bart: "You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute."
(teachers relay Bart's quote to each other)
Male teacher: "Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher."
Captain McCallister
"Yarr, I'm not attractive."
Comic Book Guy
"Worst episode ever."
Dr. Nick
Smithers: "Ohhhhh.... help me.."
Dr. Nick: "Holy smokes, you need booze!" (throws change at Smithers)
Freddy Quimby
Lawyer: "Well therefore you certainly would never lose your temper over something as trivial as the pronounciation of chowder."
Freddy: "That's chowdah! Chowdah! I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Especially those of you in the jury!"
Grampa Simpson
"I'm thirsty! Ew, what smells like mustard? There're sure a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh! Look at that one. Oww, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a Demmycrat. Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt. Hello?"
"I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me."
Grampa: "I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop, and you never did it!"
Chester J. Lampwick: "Those corn muffins were lousy!"
Grampa: "Paint my chicken coop!"
Chester J. Lampwick: "Make me!"
"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways..... One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time..."
Groundskeeper Willie
"If I don't save the wee turtles, who will?! (moments later) Guh, save me from the wee turtles! They were too big for me! Aaah!"
Hank Scorpio
Scorpio: "By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?"
Homer: "France."
Scorpio: "Hah hah. Nobody ever says Italy."
Homer Simpson
"To start, press any key. Where's the any key?"
Homer: "Marge, look. This has spring snakes inside but the suckers will think it's beer nuts! Aheheheh.... mmm.. beer nuts. (opens the can) Aaaaah! D'oh!"
Homer: "I hope I haven't upset you... bongo-head!" (beats Mr. Burns' head like a drum)
Mr. Burns: "Ohhh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage. And island rhythms."
"Marge, anyone can miss Canada. All tucked away down there."
Homer: "Mmm... 64 slices of American cheese. 64... 63... (later that night) 2.... 1."
Marge: "Have you been up all night eating cheese?"
Homer: "I think I'm blind."
Homer: "Here are your messages. You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube."
"I'm not gay, but I'll learn."
Lisa: "It's two weeks since you got that subliminal weight loss tape. Let's get you on the scale! ..... You've gained 13 pounds."
Homer: (angrily discards the tapes)
Homer: "Hey Flanders, you smell like manure!"
Flanders: "Uh oh! Better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for the nose news, neighbor!"
"Mmm... beer."
Homer: "What am I supposed to do?!"
Homer's brain: "Pick up Bart! Pick up Bart!"
Homer: "Pick a bar? What the hell is pick a bar?"
"Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on her -- sweet can. -- I grab her -- sweet can. Oh, just thinking about her can -- I just wish I had he -- sweet sweet s-s-sweet can."
"In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women."
Homer: (gasp) "Oh my God!"
Lisa: "What is it?"
Homer: "Tramopaline! Trabopaline!"
Bart: "He said what now?"
"Here it is, everybody: The world's greatest website."
Krusty the Clown
"Now why do they call this a urine monkey? I... ohhh, I just found out."
"Hey hey! Tonight I'm going to suck................ your blood."
Lionel Hutz
"And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state.. often as a lawyer."
Lisa Simpson
Lisa: "It's from my pen pal, Anya!" (reads the letter)
Anya: "Dear Lisa, as I write this I am very sad. Our President has been overthrown and (dramatic tone change) replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime. Sincerely, little girl."
Martin Prince
Martin: "I must've spent our last ten dollars on this Al Gore doll."
Al Gore doll: "You are hearing me talk."
"But look, I got some cool Pogs! ALF Pogs! Remember ALF? He's back. In Pog form."
Moe the Bartender
Moe takes a lie detector test with amusing results.
Mr. Burns
"This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they will have written the greatest novel known to man. Let's see... (reads) it was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?! You stupid monkey!"
Mr. Burns: "Smithers, are they.. booing me?"
Smithers: "Umm, no... they're saying 'Boourns, Boourns!'"
Smithers: "Shall I send out for some Chinese?"
Mr. Burns: "No, those people are all gristle."
Screensaver: "Hello, Smithers. You're - quite - good - at - turning - me - on."
Smithers: "Ummm... you probably should ignore that."
Agent Wesson: "This man is an illegal alien!"
Mr. Burns: "That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie."
Zutroy: "Tocnikrabda, mistah Boons."
Number One
"Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters who, since ancient times, have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play ping pong!"
Principal Skinner
Agnes: "Seymour! The house is on fire!"
Skinner: "No, mother. It's just the Northern Lights."
Chalmers: "Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham."
Agnes: "Help! Help!"
Professor Frink
"Well, sure, the Frinkiac 7 looks impressive - don't touch it! But I predict that within 100 years, computers will be twice as powerful, 10000 times larger, and so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them."
Rainier Wolfcastle (McBain)
"The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost eighty million dollars..."
Ralph Wiggum
"Me fail English? That's unpossible."
"I bent my Wookiee."
Sideshow Bob
Bob: "Oh, I'll stay away from your son all right... stay away.. forever."
Homer: "Oh no!"
Bob: "Wait a minute, that's no good. Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say 'Stay away from my son' again."
Troy McClure
"I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: Hardcore nudity!"

If you'd like to download even more sounds from The Simpsons, check out Last Exit To Springfield to listen to thousands of quotes from nearly 300 episodes!