Arrest Record

FBI Profile

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Lovejoy: You know it's hard to believe this model prisoner could be the same monsterous feind who once ran for mayor. It's a pleasure to have recommended you for the Work Release Program.
Bob Me? I'm touched, I really am. But you'll never find anyone willing to hire a 5 time loser like me.
Lovejoy: I already have.
Bob: Cecil? Is it really you?
Cecil: Hello brother, I'm happy to see you.
Bob: Well it's been 10 years. We haven't spoken since the---unpleasentness.
Cecil: You mean Aruther Fiedler's wake?
Bob: No, no, no. I mean our falling out.
Cecil: Oh that! That's ancient history! Let's make a fresh start! Come work for me.
Bob: You do know, I used to have---a problem---with trying to kill people?
Cecil: Goodness! I had no idea, for you see I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.
Bob: Touche, Cecil.
Cecil: I am aware of your felonious past, but you are still my brother. And blood is thinker than bread and water!
Bob: You don't have to worry about me, brother. I'm all murdered out.
Lovejoy: Praise the Lord!
Bob: I make no secret of my past, but isn't our system of justice based on the idea that a man can change?
Wiggum: Ahhh, I'll have the boys check into that.
Bob: I know I don't deserve another chance, but this is America! And as an American, aren't I entitled to one?
Guy: Probably!
Bob: Can't you find it in your hearts just to let me live and work in peace!?
Crowd: (cheers)
Bart: Sideshow Bob hasn't reformed! He's pure evil! Oh! If only you knew what he was thinking!
Bob's Brain: I hope they still make that shampoo I like.
Cecil: Make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordoue?Chateau Latour and a rather indifferent Rausan-
Bob: I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long as it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator.
Cecil: That'll be the Latour then.
Bob: Well I suppose I should ask you what you do, if I'm to be working with you.
Cecil: For me, Bob. For me.
Cecil: I am Springfield's chief Hydrological and Hydrodynamical Engineer!
Bob: Hydrological and Hydrodynamical? Talk about running the gammit.
Cecil: Sniker all you like, Bob.
Bob: Thank you, I believe I shall.
Cecil: But you'll find, one gets more respect as a humble civil servant than as a homocidal maniac---or a clown's sidekick.
Bob: Ah ha! I knew it! You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you!
Cecil: I can't imagine what you mean.
Bob:Oh come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The 4 years at clown college?
Cecil: I'll thank you not to refer to Prinston that way!
Bob: The point is, you obviously still blame me for what happened at your audtion!
Krusty: Free comedy tip, slick! A pie gags only funny, when the saps got dignity! Like that guy! Hey Hal, pie job for Lord Autobottom there!
Bob: (pie hits Bob, hair springs out) Oh dear.
(producers laugh)
Cecil: When that pie it your face, I see my dreams explode in a burst of cream and crust. I suppose I should thank you. Afterall, it led me to my true calling.
Bob: Cecil, no civilization in history has ever considered chief Hydrological Engineer a calling. (Cecil clears throat) Yes, yes the Cappadocians, fine.
Bob: Just the thought of all that raw surging power makes me wonder why I should care.
Cecil: Because you'll be supervising the construction crew.
Bob: Oh great. Whenever a woman passes by I suppose it'll be my job to lead the hooting; "Oh yea. Shake it Madam. Capital Knockers."
Cecil: Oh come on, Bob. This is your chance to show the people of Springfield you can hold down an honest job.
Bob: Who is that? Why---it's Bart Simpson. Helloooo Bart! He's just a little shy because I've tried to kill him so many times.
Cecil: Ah.
Bart: Mrs. Krabable, nooo!!! That's Sideshow Bob!
Edna: Ugh! Well that's the last time I annouce my dinner plans in class!
Bob: That---was Edna Krabable. You only get one chance---with Edna Krabable. I hope you're happy.
Bart: I won't be happy til I find out what you're up to. Wherever you go and whatever you do, I'll be there watching and waiting.
Wiggum: He says that but I but he gives up pretty quickly.
Cecil: Hello brother. All's well, I trust?
Bob: It most certainly is not! The workmen you've given me don't know their asses from the hole in the ground they accidently blew yesterday!
Cecil: Come now. You speak of them as if they were a gaggle of slacked-jawwed yokels.
Cletus: Mister Terwilliger, come quick, there's trouble down to the seement mixer, sir. See Cousin Merl and me was playin' fetch with Geetch, that's our old smell hound, and---
Cousin Merl Geetch gone to heaven Mister Terwilliger.
Bob: Oh, Cousing Merl, really!
Cecil: Temper, temper. You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately.
Bob: I'm telling you Cecil, I can't take much more of this; rustic workmen who've turned the Sani-John into a smokehouse; 'Coveralls' that don't quite "Cover All"; and a psyhcotic little boy who will not stop hounding me! This little boy, right here! Sometimes I wish this dam would burst and bury this cursed town. 111K
Bob: I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago. Madam, your children are no more----than a pair of illbread trouble makers.
Homer: Lisa too?!
Bob: Espcially Lisa, but espcially Bart. If he crosses me one more time, just once more, then I can't be held responsible for my actions.
Homer: Well, I hope Bob fed ya, cause I ate your dinners.
Bob: Be careful! There's hydroelectricity in there! 18K
Bob: Cecil?
Cecil: Once I blow up the dam, there'll be no evidence of missing concrete and I'll walk away with 15 million.
Lisa: But everyone will no you did this!
Cecil: Perhaps. Or perhaps, they'll blame the master criminal---you know, the one who has been working at the dam and has a grudge against Springfield?
Bob: Now, I know Cousin Merl has had his troubles with the revenue, but I hardly think he's a master crim---Oh, you were referring to me.
Cecil: Yes. I'm framing you and I'm doing a really excelent job, too. Bob: Wait a minute. This is all because I got to be Krusty's sidekick instead of you, isn't it?
Cecil: Off the record-yes. But offically, I did it for the money. Speaking of which, hand it over!
(door closes then opens partway) Cecil: I forgot to mention, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside.
Bob: Well obviously. (door closes)
Lisa: Oh it's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless.
Bob: Oh I see. When it's one of my scemes you can't foil it fast enough, but when Cecil trys to kill you its: "hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless." Well if you kids aren't going to foil him, I'll do it myself!
Cecil: (singing) I'm on the top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find--bo bo boo boop 45K
Lisa: Um, do you know what you're doing?
Bob: Lisa, you don't spend 10 years as a homocidial maniac without learning a few things about dynamite.
Cecil: Plunger? Check. Hard hat? Check. 15 million dollars and a gun? Checkmate. Goodbye bob!
Bart: Nooooo!!!! Guess who!
Cecil Maris?
Cecil: Aaaaaahhhhhahahaaaaahhhh oooooooo shoot! 18K
Cecil: At last I'm going to do what Bob never could... KILL BART SIMPSON!
Bart: throwing me off a dam? Isn't that a little crude for a genius like you?
Cecil: Oooh, I suppose it is. Eh--if anyone asks, I'll lie.
Bart: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!
Lisa: Bart! (bob jumps and catches Bart)
Bob: Cecil.
Cecil: And now to kill you! There may be a slight ringing in your ears, fortunently, you'll be no where near them.
Bart: I guess this is it. Thanks anyways. Bob: You know, I could snip the wires. We'd fall to our deaths but we'd save the entire town. Bart, How would you like to do something incredibly noble?
Bart: Do we have to?
Bob: Yes.
Both: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [Deep Breath] Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Bob: You--you saved my life Bart.
Bart: Yeah, I guess this means you can't ever try to kill me again, huh?
Bob: Oh, I don't know about that.
Bart: Ahhh!
Bob: Joking, joking.
Lou: Here's your man chief.
Wiggum: Cecil? I think not. This looks like the work of crazy old Sideshow Bob.
Lisa: No chief, Bob's innocent. It's the truth.
Wiggum: The truth, huh? That sounds like the testimony of crazy old Lisa Simpson.
Lou: Cecil just volentarily confess, chief.
Wiggum: Well that's some good work, Lou. You'll make Sargent for this.
Lou: I already am sargent.
Wiggum: Perhaps you are, but I say Bob goes back to jail!
Bob: But surely! I--caught--Cecil!
Wiggum: Maybe so, but Lou here, says you were resisting arrest.
Lou: No I didn't, chief.
Wiggum: Quiet Lou! Or I will best you down to Sargent so fast, it'll make your head spin!
Homer: Marge, I'm going to look for the kids. (huge wave approches) Ah!
Ralph: I think I wet my bed.
Bob: But you can't do this! I saved the children's lifes! I'm a hero!
Cecil: Tell them they'll live to regret this.
Bob: You'll live to regret this!!!!! Oh, thanks a lot, now I look crazy!
Bob: I--I'm older! I get the top bunk!
Cecil: Oh poppycock! I called it at the arraignment! ... So when do they bring us the menus?